Recently at university 2 of my flatmates, both male, were sexually assaulted by a drunk girl. When I used the term 'sexual assault' to describe the act that took place (both of their crotches were grabbed non consensually) I was shocked to hear many people I know, including the two guys it happened to, saying they didn't see it as sexual assault because:
'We're guys so it is different'
'All guys think about is sex anyway'
Just a disclaimer at the beginning, I am not saying that sexual assault against men is any worse than against women, I am trying to get the point across that all cases of sexual assault should be dealt with and treated equally regardless of gender. What I have written above and below is in reference to something that has made me research and look into male sexual assault and that is why I have written about it.
I actually felt pleased that the guys had seemingly not been affected by what happened as it can be a hard thing to deal with but I think this was partially due to the fact the girl later apologised. However, I had a few problems with some of the comments made when I attempted to discuss the topic.
I did say to both the guys, if it was something they felt had upset or made them feel uncomfortable then they had a right to speak about it to anyone because if it was the other way round and they had done it to a girl, everyone I know would've said how awful it was. I was met with a resounding response of, 'it is different with guys than with girls' slightly inferring that it didn't 'count' as being sexual assault because they were guys not girls. When I asked 'why?' I never really got an answer. This response made me feel really uncomfortable, not because I felt that these two people in particular should feel a certain way about what happened, no one can tell them how they should feel about what happened, but it worries me that if this happened to another man who did feel uncomfortable about it, he would not feel comfortable sharing his thoughts or feelings about the situation due to a fear of being seen as over reacting or weird for feeling so affected by it.
The Sexual Assault Act of 2003 defines sexual assault as being when person (A) intentionally touches another person (B) the touching is sexual, and person (B) does not consent to the touching. This law does not mention gender, it is clear that no matter who it happens to, it is still defined as sexual assault. The view so many people I know had on the situation solely because it was a girl doing it to boys making it 'different' is something I didn't realise was still thought now-a-days. I also remember it being brought up at another time, and I again mentioned to a friend that it was not right and the conversation was awkwardly moved on, no one wanted to discuss it, it seemed really awkward and taboo and I was so confused as to why. However, when this happened to a female friend of mine (she was groped in a night club), all of the guys were raging, protecting her wanting to 'knock out' whoever had done it. This difference in reaction really took me back as when in regards to my female everyone had the consensus that, rightly, it was wrong and it was not an awkward or taboo discussion and I feel like that should have been synonymous with the situation involving the guys.
A particular case that I thought of when I heard of what happened to my friends was the case of Terry Crews when he spoke out about being sexually assaulted. He reported what happened to him so bravely along with all the women who also came forward. This was so powerful. When it was reported on, I didn't see one news site saying, 'yeah but he was a guy so it is different', and I thought that was a sign of progression. He wrote 'Hopefully, me coming forward with my story will deter a predator and encourage someone who feels hopeless.' All of those women coming forward and the #METOO campaign was one of the most powerful statements I have seen in my lifetime, and I want men to feel the same, because it does happen to them too and it shouldn't be seen as being any different. Sexual assault is still sexual assault no matter who it happens to.
'All guys think about is sex anyway'- This comment really got to me in many ways. Wanting sex does not make non consensual sexual acts ok. I am sure, if my female friend had gone out the night it happened to her making it clear she was thinking about sex and wanting to have sex, everyone would have still thought the act of sexual assault she experienced was still wrong. I am not saying that if 'all' a guy or girl thinks about is sex that is a bad thing, it isn't, what I find difficult about it is the way it was used to defend the act of sexual assault in this particular case. IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. And it doesn't excuse the act of sexual assault. Although this comment was said by a guy many girls agreed with it and I felt so uncomfortable again, because if another man felt uncomfortable having experienced a similar situation, he may feel like it is wrong to be upset by it, because of the expectation of adolescent men, in particular, to be so sexual and always want sex and therefore they could not talk or report on what happens to them in fear of being seen as unmasculine. This is a really toxic mindset to have and to use as an excuse for sexual assault in my opinion. However DISCLAIMER it is ok to want sex and it is ok to not want sex, it is completely up to you, and no matter how you feel about it and regardless of your gender or sexuality what you feel is not wrong no matter how you feel about it but it does not excuse anything wrong that could happen to you.
Overall, I think the mindset I realised quite a few people my age have in regards to this topic has actually shocked me. I just assumed, extremely naively, that everyone now-a-days thought the same way I did, that any form of sexual assault on any person is wrong and nothing excuses it. Now coming to the end of my post, I am actually really pleased that I have written it, if even one person reads this and it creates a discussion or makes them think and discuss with people around them the topic of sexual assault or research into it more themselves and make themselves aware of how often it happens I will have achieved what I set out to do at the beginning of this post. Thank you so much for reading, please comment below, let me know what you thought and please discuss the topic with the people around you, you could really help someone without even realising. If you have felt affected by anything in this post these are two amazing websites I would recommend visiting, you can read more about it or generally help the fight against Sexual Assault- http://thesurvivorstrust.org/ and as mentioned above https://1in6.org/
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